I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
