How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
