I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
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Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
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He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
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