Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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