i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
