I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
You dont lie about slip and slides
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
