Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
