i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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