Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
