You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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