i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
3 2 1 whiskey
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
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