hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize
