I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
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