Porn is love you can see.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
