matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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