i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
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