you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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