Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize