Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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