The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I need a burrito and a hug.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
