He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
