Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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