Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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