I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Randomize
