Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
