I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
