When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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