I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
