yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
