I wish I could punch you in the face.
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
