Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
