If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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