I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Naked. naked and bneed help.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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