I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
