I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
