he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
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Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
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I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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