If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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