I cockslap morals
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Are my feet made of real feet?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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