Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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