My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
