Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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