going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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