Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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