Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
