I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
We are two peas in an std pod
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
