Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
