i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
