Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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