Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
