you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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