Non-Jews are for practice
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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