who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
