4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
