Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
