Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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